Election coverage

INTERMITTENT SERVICE below. Enjoy.

12:08

Literally two votes in it between Sinn Féin and the unionist candidate in Fermanagh-South Tyrone.

10:05

“The SNP hold Angus.”

00:58

OK, actual shock: Peter Robinson beaten but not by hardline TUV but in fact by Naomi Long of Alliance.

22:42

Right. enough of this bollocks. Back early in the morning with more useful analysis.

22:41

There are two flavours of Ulster unionism? Orange and lemon, perhaps?

22:40

“DUP could push David Cameron over the edge,” says BBC. If only…

22:39

“Northern Ireland – the fag end of the general election,” says BBC reporter. Quite.

22:36

I hate this Sunderland shit. Who cares who declares first? And Sunderland is a safe Labour seat anyway. Absurd.

22:35

Constituency in Scotland called Angus? Mother of god…

22:23

Farage was standing against the speaker? Sad, sad man.

22:30

I’m not doing this crap all night, by the way! I have more important things to do. Just killing time while waiting for playback on a story with a US newspaper.

22:29

Hung parliament. Starring Bunny Lebowski and Karl Hungus.

22:26

The Brown camp. That would be a riot, wouldn’t it? Like a Calvinist holiday.

22:24

Andrew Marr says “David Cameron has been closeted all day.”

22:23

“The price of the election could be Gordon Brown’s head,” says Kirsty Wark. What? Is Cromwell running for election?

22:23

Kirsty Wark. Poor woman

22:22

“A lot of excitement here.” In Basildon?

22:20

BBC Radio Four says votes are being counted by real people. Phew! No body snatchers, then.

22:19

Large amount of postal votes, according to the BBC.

22:15

BBC exit polls giving the Tories the lead on 309, followed by Labour and then the Liberal Democrats. This would result in a hung parliament. 326 seats required to win complete control with a miserable one seat majority. Labour and Lib Dems make 314.